Lunch Musings

Went to the MIT Coop to stare hopelessly at the SF shelves and wonder why I'm even trying to do this. Bought birthday cards for beloved people, and a ruler because I can never find the one I am certain that we own, and a book because, well, one does. Did not buy goldfish crackers, because when I am moody I crave salt and would eat the entire bag.

Headed back to office. Saw woman taking pictures of granddaughter on park bench. Wondered whether the sky actually is a different shade of blue every single day. Thought about aliens who have four hundred words for blue and the odds of being patted indulgently on the head by Christopher Priest someday (vanishingly low).

Back to work, eating a (relatively small) bag of pretzels to deal with the salt thing.

The Heart of the Blogging Problem?

It may be that I don't have enough problems! I have the usual challenges of anyone with kids and a life, but there's nothing specific that I'm dealing with to provide a focus. I don't have to live on a low budget, cook gluten-free, avoid allergens, or get dinner on the table in 15 minutes or less (though it's always nice when I can). I know what I'm doing in the kitchen to a degree that satisfies me, and I don't want to be Thomas Keller.

I need more goals.

Belay That?

I've given it some more thought, and I'm going to try to continue to keep this blog live after all. It doesn't cost anything, after all, and if no one reads it... oh well.

This has been a strange spring. It's been chilly and wet far more often than not; today I wore a jacket to work (it's almost July!), and I suspect that many of us are considering a change of career, perhaps something in the slug-farming field.

I am bored out of my skull at work, restless with the lack of challenge in my days, and less than happy with the changes that came with the acquisition. Outside of work, I seem to be exhausted all of the time, even when the kids sleep, and frequently grouchy. My usual optimism is nowhere to be found; I consider projects as a means of reviving my spirits, but stop short of undertaking them, because really what's the point? The world has no need of anything I am likely to produce. I am ambivalent about the entire Internet and seem to have lost faith in the whole idea of the world-wide conversation. Wary of engaging, alarmed by conflicts, and finding the entire business more a source of stress than of interest and pleasure, I dropped Twitter, dropped blogging, scaled back my Facebook activity. I switched my playlists to all-soothing, all the time. Work on the current novel has been reduced to occasionally opening the file and staring at the opening scene I was in the middle of rewriting.

I don't really like myself when I get like this. Even in a funk, I feel something of the problem-solving itch, which I suppose is all to the good. I'm trying to drink more water, taking some extra vitamin D, and if the weather hasn't improved by the time of my next paycheck, I'll buy a sunlamp. If that doesn't help, a trip to the doctor may be in order. Previous experience suggests that the thing to do when you're depressed is to the things that you enjoy when you're not depressed, and I have not been doing much of that.

Where Have I Been?

Not having a ton of time/energy to cook, for the most part. The morning sickness is diminishing, but I am regularly feeling overwhelmed by the rest of my life--like this blog is just one more thing to do (badly).

Productivity

It's been one of those weeks, in a good way. Post-vacation I decided to set aside the writing project for a while and concentrate on getting other areas under control. So in addition to writing about half of the doc plan for the project that's going to rule the next sixteen months of my life and fixing a bunch of bugs, I've done the following:

• Sorted through the toy boxes, putting like with like
• Did a lot of laundry, including the lake stuff
• Whittled down the stack of magazines that was overflowing the basket
• Made sandwich bread for the first time in forever
• Made chocolate chip cookies and chocolate-macadamia-nut cookies
• Made lemon cake
• Made cheese scones
• Threw away some clutter (every little bit helps, right?)
• Cleaned out L's dresser
• Cleaned out my workout clothes drawer
• Partially vacuumed
• Got L a haircut, a lunchbox, and some pants that fit for school
• Cleaned the kitchen

Today I'm making baguettes, something I haven't done in ages and ages, whether because it was too hot, or I wasn't together enough to plan anything twelve whole hours in advance.

Not sure what wisdom I'm getting out of this--perhaps that I do better when I concentrate on one or two things at a time, instead of spreading myself over six--which is one of those "insights" that merits a resounding "duh." Though it might mean that if I want to be a writer in my off time as well as the work week, I need to hire a cleaning service. And a cook.

Tomorrow is the last day of August. I keep thinking about Christmas... it'll be here before I know it, always is. Time to start making a baking plan! Wish lists for the kids! Schedule! Hm, wait, maybe I should do Thanksgiving first....

Perspective

Something that happened while we were on vacation....

Sitting in Kellerhaus, sharing a sundae with my daughter, staring at a display of T-shirts proclaiming "life is crap" and wondering why anyone would purchase or wear one, it suddenly occurred to me that this restaurant, currently full of tourists and young Europeans working their way through the summer, was on a planet circling a star among billions and billions of stars, a dust mote in the immeasurable vastness of the universe.

I am distinctly divided at heart on the utility of this knowledge.

The Internet

Nothing more or less than a way to say "If you like me, check this box" to the entire planet.